Delete IT

 A writer is often met with a very hard decision, when to delete words, they have written.

For me, a thought goes round and round in my head, I sit down, type it out, and it is fulfilling to watch the words fall into place.

After receiving critiqued or edited work back, I sometimes have discovered a red line with the words “delete” alongside a part that I love.

I don’t like it when that happens.

It goes both ways. I have handed work back to other writers and I know they don’t always like what I suggest.

The final say is the writer’s decision. It is the writer’s story after all.

I often wish deleted moments in my life would only pertain to my writing alone, but sadly, I have had to “delete” many times in my own personal life.

The “delete” word can show up at times that are very unexpected, or in a place in life that I don’t want to delete something.

Recently we had to put down one of our animals. It was a horrible experience. I held her until they said she was gone. It was very emotional holding a pet you love, and they love you, as they breath their last breath.

Goodbye doesn’t take any of the sweet memories away, it doesn’t remove the love from the heart, and it is so painful.

The good memories whisper “remember when,” a bittersweet tear will drop, and sometimes many tears will follow. Remembering causes a person to feel the loss of those sweet moments.

As I held my cat and felt her life leave her body, I was reminded of a very serious delete I had in my life many years ago. Since the day I put my cat down, it has made me think very seriously about the “delete” decision I made years ago, and millions of women have made since.

When I was a young girl, I went to a doctor about an “issue.” The doctor advised me to go to another doctor to take care of my problem. He - in a very compassionate way asked me, being so young, how would I be able to handle the situation that I found myself in? And he pointed out things that were against me in this situation.

I already had thoughts of my own that weren’t very positive. Like some women I found myself in dire straits. I felt alone. Scared. And terrified of being ostracized from those I loved or sent away to take care of the “issue.”

My thoughts were way out there. I didn’t feel like I had anyone I could talk to because it was my fault I was in this position. I believed people would turn away from me leaving me more alone than I felt at the time. What would I do all alone?

Did I connect that the problem was a baby? No. A tissue…maybe. I did connect that I had a big problem.

When I talked to my boyfriend, his response - his dad would be furious. We need to set up an appointment and take care of it right away.

Obviously, I wouldn’t have support in his direction.

Terrified, but telling myself I knew others who had done this before and I believed they were fine, with a sense of relief, we went to the “other” doctor. Which in my mind had to be okay, it was legal, and lots of girls had done this very same thing, so all was good right? It will be over soon and I will be no worse for wear.

I ended up alone in a room with an awful looking machine, and the experience was so horrible that I only remember vague scary things.

Afterward, I went out to the waiting room, I felt a weird feeling inside of me and needed something. I couldn’t name it though.

My boyfriend asked if it was done. I nodded. He said, good. As we stepped out the door of the clinic, I felt a deep hole inside of my heart. An emptiness.

As my boyfriend played basketball outside of his house, I sat inside feeling alone, in a dark place, fighting tears, confused as to why, since I no longer had my problem, and I could go on with life, and no one would ever know, still I felt like something wasn’t right, at all.

This feeling along with the pain of the post-partum issue stayed with me for many years. I didn’t think it had anything to do with the appointment to take care of the problem, because why would it? I didn’t do anything wrong. It was legal, and I had my rights.

No one walked away from me. I didn’t have to worry about handling my problem, it was gone. So, the feeling couldn’t have anything to do with that “appointment.”

As a side note - I lost all feelings toward my boyfriend and ended up breaking up with him. Later I realized that I could not stand the sight of him.

I went on to believe it wasn’t anyone’s business whatsoever. Who are people to judge what I did, or any other woman did in their life? And that is an attitude that grew within me.

Sadly, the next 8 years were filled with a lot of bad decisions, and consequences. I continued to have this weird feeling of huge emptiness inside of me that nothing could fill, and it wouldn’t go away. Sometimes I would drive around on a Sunday night, looking, looking for something, not sure what, I was always not able to find it.

I had always been considered a sweet person, but through those years the sweetness left me.

When I started my personal walk with Jesus Christ, one of the first things that happened is dealing with the reality of the issue that came from “deleting my problem”, my eyes were open, ABORTION - meant my baby, that God placed inside of me, had been taken by a doctor, and I paid to end a child’s life. My child.

My eyes were open to the truth of abortion. A living being had started to grow in me and I ended that child’s life.

I ended its life so I wouldn’t have a problem in my life.

I don’t know what I would have done, if I wouldn’t have had a very loving person to talk to about the realization of ending my child’s life “legally". And the forgiveness of Jesus Christ. I couldn’t believe it. How loving is Jesus? The Bible says that while I was a sinner, Jesus died for me. He paid the price for my sin.

Amazing truth! I am living as a forgiven person despite that horrible thing I did to my child.

I will tell you something, (and naysayers, don’t try to explain it away) when I realized my wrong, my sin, and confessed it, AND THEN received Jesus’ forgiveness, and actually mourned what I did and the life that had been taken, that empty hole in my heart went away. Completely. Disappeared.

I went to a healing group to take care of the shame, guilt, and now I pass on that love, and encouragement to other ladies that may be in the same boat that I found myself in.

Maybe, for just a moment, just a very slight moment, a woman may think, I got this, after the abortion procedure. Maybe, like me a woman may be in denial that the feeling inside of her has nothing to do with a procedure that she has every right to do legally, and a woman does have the right to make whatever choice you want in your life. Whether it is a wrong or right choice.

Maybe.

I just ask of you to please educate yourself about what happens to you in the abortion procedure. Educate yourself about what is really happening inside of your body.

You do have a CHOICE! You can do whatever you want with your life.

When you make that CHOICE, I would really with a loud megaphone, encourage you to make the choice of LIFE, not death.

You will somehow know that a person died within you. There is mourning, but you have empty arms, so what are you mourning? The connection is very hard to make.

Believe me, I am not the only woman who suffered after an abortion. Your body, heart, soul, and mind will be affected.

Pregnancy equals a life of a person. A real person.

And as I tell kids when I speak, when you have sex there is a 50/50 chance of the girl winding up pregnant. Not all birth control works. Sex may be fun, enjoyable, but it is also a big responsible act that makes people parents. It is how we are created.

Abortion doesn’t take the role of parent from you. You will still have carried a child or fathered a child, that didn’t live.

Is there a sense of relief after abortion? Maybe a false sense. However, I can tell you it is a false sense. No one can walk away from the fact that a life was just taken from inside her body. No matter how far the development, it was developing, another person’s heartbeat beat in her and now it doesn’t. Why? Because it is a woman’s choice to end the person’s life growing inside of her.

There will be grief whether hidden or outright. The mourning stages include denial, but denial only lasts so long.

It may play out in detachment, perfectionist, sexual promiscuity, bad relationships, alcohol, drugs, however it does, it will, let me tell you there will be a hole in your life.

The abortion – will be a defining moment for you. You will remember. You will know you pressed delete.

Am I for making your own choice. Yes. God is too. Am I for you making a choice that is the best for you? Yes. God is too.

He loves you. What may seem hard or wrong right now, He can make right.

Would you turn to Him and ask Him for help? Would you let Him talk to you?

Did you know in the Bible, during Moses time, the maidservants were instructed to kill the babies of the Israelites as they were being born. Late term abortion happened even back then.

The maidservants didn’t do it. They told the authorities the babies came out too fast.

One mom hid her baby so it wouldn’t be killed. That baby ended up leading people out of slavery!

It wasn’t easy for that mom, but God intervened.

So, what if you do have an abortion?

If you are on this side of abortion, I will tell you what, may God comfort you, may His love fill you, and may His people surround you with love and support. May you not go through unrecognized grief and mourning alone and may your body, mind, and soul heal from this procedure.

I interviewed an ex-abortion doctor. One of the top abortion doctors, sought after to do greater things for women. He truly believed he was helping women until God lifted the dark veil from his eyes and he saw he was not only hurting them but had taken many lives in the process.

I recently watched a show about a serial killer, I wanted to know how he got caught since he brazenly went on national television possibly looking for his next victim. The way he finally got caught, (after a decade of “deleting” people, evading arrest, even though interviewed, and brought to the police’s attention), happened to be by a 14-year-old runaway girl figuring out how to make it alone in this world.

She had the wherewithal that astonished me. She fortunately awoke after his attempt to “delete” her. The serial killer lay beside her crying, she turned and talk to him in a way that he weirdly apologized later to her, he trusted her. The young girl wisely watched for an appropriate moment, then she ran to safety, called the police and he was arrested.

Unfortunately, they let him out on bail and two more women were “deleted.” He had no regard for who or what they were in their own personal life. He “deleted” many women.

However, some 30 years later when that serial killer tried for an acquittal, that same woman appeared in court again. Because of her testimony, and not being “deleted”, he stayed in prison, until he passed on.

Now from what she told of her life, her dad was a no-show, her mom had her issues, and this girl lived fending for herself.

This girl went on to save lives!

Our society is legalizing to pay someone to “delete” people from their life, before they even get a chance to maybe change the world and affect other people’s lives.

There are many unknown lives without names, without choices, without their voices being heard, and without graves – that were innocent, vulnerable and taken from a safe place.

This can be prevented. There are many ways to prevent this happening. Screaming about stopping abortion and allowing abortion, does it stop it? Or does it make our country angry?

How about education? Prevention in other ways than abortion. Why be reckless?

I remember back when abortion became legal it was a safety for all women because we believed it wasn’t a person, it was just a tissue and getting rid of that tissue got rid of a problem.

At the time getting rid of the tissue - got rid of the shame that women carried, that a woman would want or have sex before marriage, like men do. Misunderstood - women have sexual passions that need to be put in check to, just like a guy. God made us have sexual desires, but women have had a big responsibility to be the one who says NO.

So sorry to be rude to society, but men are leaders too, and they can refrain and say no too.

 (I am not talking to those in a pregnancy in a trauma situation whether from rape or molestation, or health reasons. I pray no one has to make that decision.)

In the Bible Jesus had the children gathered around and the adults were trying to shoo the children away. Jesus said no. He also said in so many words not to hurt the children and for us to come to Him as children.

Let’s stop shooing the children away.

I pray for you. I pray for the very best for you.

May God bless you and keep you and may His face shine upon you and give you peace.

HUGE NOTE TO SELF - If a person hasn’t had an abortion, they have no right to yell for you to be able to have one, because you are going to experience a horrible thing, and put your life at risk.

(And if you haven’t had an abortion before, please stop telling women it is good for them. Not to be rude, but you don’t know what truly transpires and what you are advocating a woman to put herself through.)

Amen.