I had plans.
When I first started school a year and a half ago, every quarter I tried to get into that class and finally this quarter I did. I dreamed of how I would soon learn to be a technical writer, bid for work, and then have a flourishing career.
I didn’t even get out of the gate before I knew…it wasn’t for me. I am not wired that way.
I am wired to write a completely different way. I often wonder where on earth writing is going to take me?…I know I have to plug along and do my best at what I am wired to do.
“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
I know I can do good things with this craft of writing. Good things.
It can be hard to push aside things that get in the way to do the “good” thing. It can be confusing. Even though it may seem a small thing to realize I am not a technical writer, it was a “big” thing for me.
I am a writer. That is what I do. Even when I am talking with others or listening to conversations, or when I am going to sleep, waking up, breathing, I am writing in my mind. That is how I work. So I should be able to do any kind of writing…right?
Choosing to let go of a career direction, is just one issue of my life that needed careful thought and decision making.
However, there are many other issue’s I deal with each day.
It can be confusing to know which is the right or wrong way to do things, handle things, or even to be as a person.
There are a million messages fighting to be heard. On social media it’s as though people are screaming to make their viewpoint the viewpoint of everyone else’s.
In college I have read things that would confuse me, if I truly didn’t know who I am as a person. People are given choices of determining their sex. I have to say, if it was hard to figure out that I am not wired for a desired future career direction, I could not imagine the daily struggle, of wondering what gender I am. That would bring up an added struggle of where do I fit in society?
It’s a real struggle for some people. It’s out there. There are confusing messages.
To be honest, I want to just throw a Bible verse here right now. Instead I am going to carefully place it after I write something to you.
I want to say, I believe I have discovered a lot of manmade religions throughout history have caused some people a lot of pain. A lot of oppression. A lot of abuse. I think the initial intentions were good, but somehow, for some reason, things got out of hand.
I am not about to introduce a new religion.
No way. I myself, didn’t work in a religious environment. There was someone I knew though. For some reason, I always knew He was there, even when I wanted nothing to do with anything connected with Him. However, I knew He was there and I called on Him when I needed Him.
He didn’t always give me what I wanted, but like a friend, a comforter, He was there. I knew it. Many times I was scared, alone, and cried through the night, and numbly made it through the day.
He was there.
And then one day…I reached out my hand and took a hold of his. I started to get to know…HIM.
Not what religion taught me about Him.
I picked up His letter to the world, and started listening to what HE had to say. It wasn’t vague. He would speak directly to me. I will admit, sometimes, I didn’t understand a word He said, but He was patient with me, and soon, I started getting it. Even when life around me said it was different.
I started listening to Him, instead of life circumstances. I still would feel the affects of the circumstances of life, but I walked through them with His love, His comfort, His strength.
There were still times I experienced loss. Great loss. The type of loss that causes a deep, deep hole of grief and you run out of tears, but your not done crying. Still - I would have this sense of comfort, a sense of peace, and I would know right there in that pit of grief, that “somehow” I’d be okay, someday.
Because in my grief, I knew the “somehow.” The somehow is, Him.
His name is the name above all names.
He has been so misrepresented through the years.
It is not surprising though. When He came here to earth, people who wouldn’t listen to HIM misunderstood Him. However, He is willing to talk to you and let you know Him, because He truly LOVES everyone on earth. EVERYONE.
Proverbs 3 5-6 says
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
In my dark hour, I took His hand and held on tight. I’ve never let go, and I have been through some really dark moments. His love always shines a light into those moment.
By the way, I hope you reach out your hand, and take a hold of His. His name is Jesus. He is right there waiting for you to hold on to Him.
He knows who you are. You don’t have to wonder.
“For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”
I hope you took that step.
I hope you took hold of Jesus hand.
Pictures by Wayne Swanson, Sarrah Reinhardt used by permission.
Bible verses from NIV Bible.