Saturday, June 26, 2010

A fathers voice from the Cellar's of Choice

I'm very honored and blessed to be able to share this story from a Dad's perspective of the choice of abortion. It's not often people take the time to realize abortion not only affects women and the life of a child, but it affects the Dad's.

A Dad's testimony
I was asked some time ago to put my story down in writing and typical of men wanting to avoid pain from the past I have found other things to occupy my time. Today is no exception except that I am done putting off the important things that I need to do.

In the early 90’s I was not a normal mid twenties guy in the sense of social and emotional maturity. I was floating around doing what I wanted and not giving consideration to things that did not affect my daily life, including how my life affected those around me.

I was sitting on the bed with my girl friend (call her Lois) at the time when my previous girl friend (call her Beth) called and told me she was pregnant. My reaction to the news must have been obvious because even before I got off the phone Lois was saying to abort it. I told Beth we would talk about it. I really liked Lois and did not want to break up our relationship, as new as it was. Lois was adamant.

After talking with Beth, we decided to make a trip to Portland to get an abortion. It seemed like a simple thing. I really cared about Beth and didn't want her to be hurt but I also didn't want to break up with Lois. I knew that I could be easily swayed so I asked my brother to ride along with us to keep from really having to talk about what we were doing.

I also knew that I was half of the equation and because I cared about Beth I did not want her to go through the procedure by herself. I went into the room and held her hand the whole time. (Even as I write this I am back there and feeling lightheaded) As soon as the Dr got started I realized we were making the wrong decision. It was supposed to be a convenient way to avoid the hassles that would certainly come about. I was holding Beth’s hand and watching the pain on her face, tears streaming down. When it was done I was told to go to the waiting room because I couldn't go to the recovery room with her. I had to walk through a narrow hallway past the nurse’s station. I was thinking about what had just happened and all of a sudden things went dark. I remember hanging onto the counter to keep myself up and someone grabbing me and asking if I was alright.

The next thing I remember is putting my brother back on a bus for home and that is it.

Have you ever injured yourself and then it feels your body is checking itself out? Like blood is rushing all over to the injured spot, everything slows down you hear your heart beat in your ears and you just feel weird? That is what I am feeling 20 some years later, like I am right there…

I don’t recall the next time I spoke to Beth. I don't remember the three hour car ride back home or even when I started remembering things again. I have no idea how much time I lost. That was my defense mechanism. Sometime later Lois and I moved about five hour’s away and started life in a new town. Not long after getting settled Lois informed me that she was pregnant. I immediately felt the dizziness and recalled the experience of the abortion that despite struggling to ignore was fresh in my mind.

Lois was not going to have a baby no matter what. She had had two hard pregnancies already and was not going to do it again. I gave a little bit of a fight but then gave up knowing it would not do any good. Lois took care of the appointment. I remember the pain in my heart and the helplessness leading up to the time we left for the appointment.
The only thing I remember about the trip to the Drs. Office is that it was dark, so it had to be nighttime.

I went into the procedure room again, to be there with Lois. I was overwhelmed again. I still to this day see the anger and unwillingness on her face to cry or allow the pain to be an issue. After it was done I looked up and saw the remains of my baby being taken away by the nurse in a large beaker type container. I will never forget the color or the loss of what had just happened. Again, I have no recollection of the drive home or even when I started to recognize my surroundings, I don’t remember going to work or functioning at any level. It was like a very long blackout. Lois and I did not have much of a relationship and I moved out sometime later.

What has stood out and had a profound impact on me was the stark difference between the two, one cried and the other got angry. Me I totally blacked out for long time.

A couple years ago I was taking my wife to see a chiropractor and for some reason the building looked familiar. After several visits I started walking around the other floors while my wife was getting adjusted. I realized why it was familiar. I went to the door and realized this was the door Beh and I walked through all those years ago to have an abortion, about 18 years later I was in the same building and now on the same floor.

It felt good to cry and to know that by God’s grace I would get to see my baby again, the very baby that as a father I failed to protect.

There is a reason that I was in the room twice holding the hand of a woman going through with an abortion. Maybe so you could read it today.

Today I am a pro life advocate. I have led post abortion healing classes for men and even though I have received God’s grace and mercy I am constantly sensitive to the ramifications of my actions. I am grateful to have received healing and forgiveness from God. Today, I know why my only child does not act like an only child.

Let me tell you that, whether we admit it or not men are affected by abortion, by not protecting their babies, by avoiding responsibility, by taking the easy way out. I can assure you that abortion is not the easy way out.

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