Monday, March 29, 2010

From the Cellars of Choice - Peeling back a layer

Sometimes the affects of abortion can be hidden deep within, memories, emotions, even a lack of remembering the events of the day at all. And then one day out of nowhere, something will cause a trigger and out of the deep recesses of the cellar, the person will be brought back to their abortion experience.

Also, woman and men who go through a healing process soon discover, it is like peeling back an onion. It is done in layers. Once the wound is reopened the healing process is done a gentle layer at a time.

I think the following story will give you a better idea of what a man or woman deals with after abortion.

This is part one of a layer of another persons story;

When I became a Christian, I was so grateful. I had such a big gaping wound in my heart that I couldn’t fill and didn’t know why. After I received His forgiveness that hole was gone, He forgave my ABORTIONS! I mean it really meant more than I can say to know Jesus died on a cross for the sins of the whole world and that included, ME!

Although I didn’t understand how He could love me in such a way, I believed it, and was filled with such joy. I knew He forgave me, but I believed if anyone else ever found out about me, they would leave me or not want me involved in their activities.

At church, I had lots of friends, served in ministry, but if they knew…well, one day I signed up to go through a healing group. The first night, women I never wanted to know of my secret, walked in, they were part of the group. I almost died. I convinced myself that although they were there for the same reason, when they heard my story they’d hate me. Nobody could be as bad as me, no one.

After the first meeting I ducked out the door and rushed to my car avoiding any conversations. A friend of mine called out for me. I couldn’t hide.

Instead of rejecting me, the women from the group and I stood outside of the building we were meeting at and formed a circle. We prayed for each other and after hugging each other goodbye, I realized I was safe. Jesus not only forgave me, but He gave me a safe place to heal from my decision that caused the life of another person to be lost.

During the group, I came to a point of forgiving myself. It was a hard thing to do.

Although I am forgiven and I have forgiven myself, I still wish I’d never had abortions. I wish I could see the faces of those children and they could have had a chance at life.

And I still had another hard thing to do…forgive the father of my children.

The hardest was the first one. I met him when I was seventeen. I was pretty immature and a virgin. He was older and had previous relationships, even engaged a couple of times. I didn’t even know how to begin to have a relationship.

I ended up going against my morals and had sex with him one night. I have no idea why I made that decision. I remember afterward being so disappointed. I had wanted to wait until I was married.

We went out for a hamburger afterward and he wanted to clarify, I wouldn’t hold him accountable for anything because I gave up my virginity, like marriage or whatever.

I should have dumped him then, but I was a shy, insecure girl in this relationship. I was in way over my head.

When I wound up pregnant just before graduation, his only concern…his dad would be mad at him. He said I needed to get an abortion.

My greatest concern was, I would get kicked out of the house and where would I go, if he wasn’t supporting me? I didn’t have a job or have a clue what to do. Besides, some girls at school had abortions and they seemed just fine.

So I went. My memories are vague, except for the extreme terror that I was going to die during the procedure and I was so lonely. He sat out in the waiting room reading a magazine. I can’t tell you all of the details, except I couldn’t wait until this horrible thing happening to me was over, and I wanted to go home.

Afterward, I wanted to cry, be held, but there was no one there to understand. We went to get something to eat. Went to his house where he played basketball and I sat inside on a chair, bewildered. I changed that day. A gaping wound began to grow, but since the abortion was my choice, I didn’t understand where this wound came from.

The relationship ended. He went on to get married, have children and move to another State.

For some reason, I ended up close to his family at different periods of my life. After I became a Christian I used to hang out with his Dad at church and hear all about him. I prayed for my ex boyfriend because that’s what Christians are supposed to do.

I had a long list of painful decisions. He had a family.

After I went through the healing group the first time, I became pregnant and miscarried. My husband and I wanted a child so bad. I came out of the doctor’s office and bumped into my ex’s dad. He wanted to know why I was there. He was very concerned. I wouldn’t tell him. I found out my ex and his wife had just left and he was going or just returned from a mission trip with his oldest son.

His dad showed me pictures of my ex’s two sons as I stood there broken from losing my child.

Soon after, I was watching a video of testimonies about post abortion syndrome, this video is shown in the healing groups. One of the guys looked like my ex. A feeling of hatred came over me so strong I didn’t know what to do. I thought I had forgiven him. God showed me I hadn’t.

That night I prayed to be able to forgive him. I realized it made me angry that he did so well in life. I wanted him to suffer like I had, even more than I did. It made me angry he had children and I didn’t. I held him responsible for allowing me to give him my virginity, especially since he was so careless about the whole thing. I hated him for not caring about me and the child I was carrying. For being more concerned about his Dad being angry, when his Dad’s anger would have been short lived. God showed me the anger rooted in my heart festered every time I heard about him.

As each issue came to the surface, one by one, by the grace of God, I forgave him. It was such a healing and freeing moment. Jesus paid a high price for all the wrong choices I made and my choices affected many lives. Just like my ex’s choices affected mine.

The more I learn about God’s grace and mercy for me, the easier it is to forgive. There is something I’ve learned about forgiveness though. It’s a process. Sometimes, like telling this story, the old anger can rise up, I have to remember and forgive. I’m not going to be a prisoner of his or my actions.

Jesus died on the cross for all of this, and my choice? It's to believe.

3 comments:

Kim McKinney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kim McKinney said...

Whoops....noticed some spelling errors in my comment! What I wanted to say is I appreciate your transparent life and how you bring courage to others going through painful times. Blessings to you!

Melissa Reeves said...

Love you, Can't wait to hear how the book signing you were telling me about went. Keep serving girl!!! God bless all you put your hands to.
Melissa Reeves